Prentice McRatcliffe

I really don't know. I managed to turn utter humiliation into comedy gold recently though, so I should really do something with them. Guess the first step would bo to be less fucking depressing. Ah well.

I don't wanna go back. I don't want to have to pretend that all the shit going on is important. I don't want to have to be charming and friendly with people. I just don't.

Probably a moment of weakness, may well pass, who knows? But I don't want to be there.

Yeah, so I don't like being back home. I was thinking about this quite a lot whilst I was walking Josh through the park. Annoyingly I couldn't get at a computer for more than two hours after that, so I'm not sure it's going to flow as well as it would have then.

It feels like failure. I was wandering round the park and looking out over Blackburn remembering first coming back from Aberdeen, and then the years that followed. At one point I was quite honestly believing it would have been better to stay rather than go to Lancaster. I think that's pretty much passed now, but the logic went something like this. Yeah, I made a mess of things at home even more so than I have at Lancaster, but at least then it was all relatively contained. If I fucked up with work, I lost a bit of money and got a bit of grief. But that was it. Instead now I'm well on my way to completely screwing up my degree at pretty much the last hurdle. This time it's hundreds of people mocking, my parents disappointed right there in public, possibly losing the job I have for next year. Actually, scratch all that. I mean, they're considerations, sure, but I think it's more if I didn't try anything big I didn't fail at anything big.

Taken so many more risks over the last few years. A lot of them have worked out well - I won the election and have the job for next year. Some of them worked out for a bit, some were just abject failures. Just the way life goes, I guess, but it's a lot easier not to have ambition, not to believe at all in at all, because then I can't let myself down. It's not just the degree stuff, obviously, applies to pretty much all parts of my life. Not that this makes it any better, but still.

Wandering round by myself, knowing I'll be wandering by myself for the forseeable future, made it somewhat more depressing.

On the other hand, it was a pleasant evening, the music was good, even if I really shouldn't have paid attention to the lyrics to It Doesn't Matter. It was a good way of passing the time, a better way than drinking myself stupid, which has been strategy for the last 2 and a half weeks. That said, at least when I'm drunk I smile ;)

FFS, I was going to take this away from the depressing for a bit, don't know why it isn't working. John had a typically entertaining way of reminding me that everyone thinks they're so diferent but basically are all the same. Can't remember it now, it was at about 5am this morning, but, you know, it's easy to fall into the whole "nobody could possibly know how I feel, it's so different for me" bollocks. I have written on here before about not wanting people to just become part of the narrative, part of "yeah, this is what happened to me before I knew you". It seems so ultimately disrespectful, and definitely not representative of how I feel.

But again John makes a good point. He's been invited to a reunion in Derby in a few weeks and wasn't sure about going. I think back to the people from Aberdeen, who I was so insistent I'd keep in touch with, who I loved so much, and who I don't contact any more. I feel proud that I talk to Marcus and Toby, even though that's basically just once a year. I think about the year I spent largely in Accy and how few of those people I know anything about at all any more. I think about friends from school. There's a bit of a reprieve here, because recently I've started talking to again. Some of them have interesting careers, political views, things that I didn't think we had in common at the time but do now. But even with them, the effort I put into talking to them is minimal. I spoke to Si Wass online earlier this week. It was a good day, Friday, for the first few hours at least.

But it's not the first time I'd seen Wass online, but the first time in ages I bothered to speak to him. Not because I don't like him or am uninterested in how his China trip is going. Just that most of the time I'm preoccupied with, you know, myself. Whether it's work, Union stuff or her, it's just more urgent to me.

I wonder if that's part of why I've been freaking out as well. Because I remember how I've done it in the past, just fallen out of touch with people, especially people who were once the most important in my life. I see how other people do it all the time, I see how transitory it all is. It's just happened quicker with her. From her, I guess I mean. Already I know so little about what is going on in her life, and it won't be long until I know nothing any more. I spend so much more time thinking about her than I do about me. Well, maybe not, but it's easily on a level. If I'm thinking about me it's mostly self-pity though ;)

Big year ahead. It isn't, objectively, difficult to pass my degree, and then I have a year helping to run the Union. Going to meet no end of new people, and I've enjoyed meeting new people recently. Different challenges, full time work, money, new people....there's so much going to be going on, and I know there'll be things I really will enjoy. But I don't see any of it as important. Or as as important, if you know what I mean. I want to be helping her, I want to know she's doing OK, I want her to care about me, I want her to be here when I walk through Corpy Park or when I come home, full stop. It feels empty here, it feels like I've thrown everything away, again.

But then I'm a melodramatic emo *nod*

The skanky Fylde women are having a wet t-shirt contest.

Outragous.

There's a pretty impressive thunder storm raging outside. Fork lightning, the whole shit. After a week of repressive heat we thought we'd go take a dignified bathe in the rain that was twatting down.

Sadly we weren't the first to think of it. Two drunken girls were swirling madly round the courtyard, several people were jeering from balconies and some twat starting playing Why Does It Always Rain On Me? by inferior indie miserablists Travis. To top it off I nearly got knocked over by some barely pubescent proto-human streaking.

This country.

I've just been watching an interesting traffic experiment where they have cut all the lights at the junction that is the start and end of Lancaster's one-way system. Apart from one stupid woman distracted by the horrific happy hardcore her Chav son must have left in the stereo it seemed to work quite well.

Yes, I have this little to do. It rules. I think it's just today that I've realised I can relax a bit now. Still got JCR stuff to do, planning for and putting on the Extrav, but other than that I'm pretty much free. Of course, I can only do things that are free, but still. People have even been getting emails and MSN conversations in the last couple of days. It's nice to remember I have friends.

Right, back to some hardcore procrastination.

I'm pretty drunk right now. Largely because I am celebrating a visit from Gary Titley MEP, the leader of Labour in the European Parliament. I planned the whole visit, and it went off perfectly. So yeah, finally I rule at something ;)

Anyway, myself and Sarah have been reading old LJ entries and reminiscing, but now she's back, so we're going to go back to reading, and you'll have to wait until post-election for a proper update. I am a candidate though. Whoop! ;)

Yeah, OK, it's been weak for years now, but occasionally you get brilliant moments that only make it into a show that has really given up. After the frankly upsetting use of Jaffa as a direct comparison to the civil war in Iraq they gave me a giggle. Teal'c inadvertantly ending up in a performance of the Vagina Monologues nearly made me wet myself.

Perhaps I should drink less ;)

What am I supposed to do with myself whilst I wait and revel in my hangover?

*snip*

Got a 1st for my IR essay and a 2.1 for my UK Politics essay. Before these two the highest I got was a mid 2.2. Whoop!

Yeah, that wanker was on the radio again. He was complaining about how the average native Brit was being screwed by skilled migrants coming in and stealing our jobs.

Blackburn College built a construction centre to teach skills in the trade. Guess what? No native Brits would work there because the money grabbing bastards can make more by keeping the market artificially lacking in competition. So the government has brought competition. I heard a brickie complaining he could only make £80 a day because of all these immigrants. Poor fucker. I can't make £80 a day. He was complaining that he was on £200 a day and it was unfair that he lost some of that. Yeah, he was on £200 a day and the unfair thing was that he lost a bit of that. Fuck off.

I know this isn't quite my usual level of debate, but fuckit, I'm knackered and he annoyed me. Bed now.

I am.

So many things and people this holiday I have let down at one time or another. Trying to just plough on and keep my eyes somewhat on the goal of finishing Uni and finding a career, but it means I miss so much I wish I didn't. Ah well. I'll do a review of the year or something at some point.

God knows when.

Ah well, birthday on Thursday, yay! Still won't have any money, but nevermind. Onwards. Well, to bed, I've been up for 20 hours, have been to Morcambe and back, got a new job, been rather ill, been very tired and worked a night shift. Go me. Still wish I could find time to relax or something *shrugs*

Well, 2,708 words. Didn't start actually writing it until after 3am, although I'd done a lot of it with my referencing. Right now at least the little headfuck earlier seems utterly insignificant, probably just my semi-subconscious trying to throw up more reasons to not actually do the work. Still, all over with now, just need to print it and hand it in :)

I'm highly caffienated right now trying to write an essay. Whilst the rational side of my brain is still working, it's mostly concentrated on the Israel Lobby, leaving my imagination and paranoia free reign to mess with me a bit. Still, it's my problem, I guess, and once I've slept I'm sure the rational thoughts are more or less all that will remain. Not that fun right now tho *sigh*

It's wrong. Make it stop. Really, get rid of it. Supervillains, now is your time. Now, damnit.

Sarah and I have been on a Tori reminiscipackage which left me wondering if anyone out there has a back-up copy of the AKT history disc? I still have the case but my Dad managed to lose the disc years ago. I'll love you forever, if that's worth anything.

After Leigh's post about having to write on a brand that has inspired him, I today started spitting crisps across my desk when a lady on the Today programme was talking about store layout. Apparently stores work hard to layout the items in a way that will excite and inspire shoppers. I've got to say, and it might just be because I worked there for four years, or because I'm a cynical bastard, but I've never been inspired by a supermarket layout.

Yup, I know, yet again, but nevermind, eh? Today it feels like I'm really back at Uni. Had my first lecture, which lasted all of 20 minutes (well worth getting up at 8am for, oh yeah) and got my new dining card. I can actually eat something I've not had to blag off a flatmate! So that cheered me up a bit, just enough to be able to deal with my continuing lack of loan without breaking down completely. I really do fancy signing Phil's parents up to a load of junk-mail stuff though. They think receiving 5 letters for me over a year was an inconvenience? I'll show them ;)

Going to try and go home this weekend, worth another three night shifts. It should net me just enough for two months of personal loan repayments, and hopefully keep them off my back for a bit. Of course, I've got to manage to contact someone there first, which requires credit on my phone. Ah, the joys of student poverty.

Fresher's week was very odd this year. Although I was the only one of my flat not kitchen repping, so I had no freshers to look after, I did end up doing a good 6 hours of work a day on various campaigns and stuff. With drinking every evening (and it was every evening, bloody people) I was running off abour 4 hours sleep. Worked fine until part-way through last week when I got twatted about the head with fresher's flu. Still can barely talk and my throat wrecks, but it seems to have largely lifted from my head, thank God. So now it is just annoying, which I suppose I can live with.

Got to know some of the freshers that Dan, Dave, Speedy, Tom, Sim and Richard were looking after, as well as a couple from Burnley and some other randoms I've helped out during the week. They seem OK, although I was about ready to start smashing heads on Friday night. For some reason they decided fighting in the kitchen with the 12 eggs from our fridge. I don't know if the cleaners have been in today or not, but if not then they're in for a shock when they try and mop. This was followed by smashing a bottle of vodka on the floor, which nobody bothered to clean, and then attempts to sex their kitchen reps. Some of whom forgot the guidelines about physical intimacy. Ah well, it was entertaining in a Vietnam kinda way. We did have to enter and exit my room by the window since Speedy's conquest was trying to knock my door in.

Dom popped up for a visit on Friday, and we had a rather rational conversation about the Labour conference over our first pint at about 4pm, and a very irrational back-slapping conversation over the 10th pint at about 11pm. He's enjoying working for an MP, even if their politics don't exactly mesh, and offered to sort me a pass for the Commons if I'm ever in London on a Friday. Should be good fun.

Before even moving in here I was in Lancaster for 5 days, and stayed with Sarah at her house in the city. I'd just settled in there when I had to move back up here to campus. It's a really nice house, and with the alterations they made to the living room is just about comfortable enough for all of us. Paul tried to sort out the central heating on Saturday morning and instead managed to knock out the pilot light. No hot water for them this weekend.

I'm being made to put an Armando Iannucci show on now, so I'll have to carry on later. At least you can't say I never update anymore.

Another summer over and in about 5 minutes I'm going to have to take my computer apart and move it back to Lancaster. As usual I seem to have dealt with this by not thinking about it that muich. So, yeah, I'll be offline for a few days as I can't get into my Uni room til Saturday. Don't be naughty whilst I'm away :p